Angry Beyond Words!!!!

I found out a couple days ago that yet another of my younger cousins and her husband are expecting their first baby.  I know they struggled for a year with fertility issues due to my cousin's endometriosis but that doesn't make me feel sorry for how long it took them to become pregnant, after over 7 years of infertility that amount of time seems like nothing.

So, yes, I'm angry.  I'm not angry that they are having a baby.  I love my cousins and want them to be happy.  I'm angry because we've wanted kids for so long and once again one of my younger cousins is pregnant or their wife is having a baby.  They're having a baby and not us.

I know this isn't a punishment but it feels like it is. I'm angry that there are people I know that can just snap their fingers and get pregnant while I struggle to even ovulate at all.  I hate that people, including my best friend, just tell me to "lose weight and it'll happen."  What the HELL do they know?  They don't know what it's like to struggle in this way.  Six months, a year, I'd love it if I only had to "struggle" to get pregnant for that short period of time.

I feel like I do when people that think they know everything there is to know about weight loss or hypothyroidism.  It's times like this when I begin to wonder if we will ever have kids.  I'm tired of the struggle.  I'm tired of the endless frustration of not ovulating cycle after cycle.  I'm tired of everyone else in the world getting pregnant before me.  I'm tired of looking at the news and yet another celebrity is pregnant.

So, yes, I'm angry.  I'm angry that my cousin who has been given everything she wants whenever she wants, who "struggled" for six months, is pregnant. I'm angry that my younger brother and three of my 4 younger cousins have had living children before us.  I love all of them and love their kids but it doesn't mean that I can't be angry that they were blessed with living children while we may not be.

Jump Starting My Fertility the Natural Way!!!

I first learned about glandular supplements from my chiropractor when I went to see her the first time over a year and a half ago.  For a short while I took thyroid glandulars but after I ran out of the first bottle, I didn't replace them because I wasn't for sure they were working.

Well, about seven months ago I started the Trim Healthy Mama plan and was able to lose some of the weight my hypothyroidism had put on me and a lot of the supplements and supplies they recommend come from Swanson's Vitamins.  Two months ago I bought a bunch of glandular supplements including women's reproductive glandulars, adrenal glandulars, pituitary glandulars, and thyroid glandulars.  At the time, my cycles were anything but regular, in fact I was using USP progesterone cream to induce my cycles every month.  The combination of all of those glandulars seems to have started me ovulating again.  I ovulated last month and it seems, according to EWCM and CP, that I may ovulate again this month, or may have ovulated today actually if my suspicions are correct.

I never expected that taking these supplements could jump start my fertility again, especially after only taking one of each kind of glandulars per day.  I take the women's reproductive and thyroid glandulars with my thyroid medication, then I take the adrenal and pituitary glandulars in the afternoon.

I can't hardly believe it's true but I'm seeing results from it.  I'll know for sure in about two weeks time if these supplements have indeed restored my fertility.  For a very long time, I haven't believed that I would be capable of getting pregnant without fertility drugs/treatments but this may be proving me wrong.

Another thing I want to add in is that my cycles are currently lining up with the full moon, which follows the Lunaception principles, and it happened naturally that way.

Crazy Chemicals

On my latest track to find ways to improve my health and hopefully get pregnant in the future, I've been reading up on the "no 'poo" craze.  Before you go thinking this has something to do with using the toilet, the "no 'poo" means no shampoo.  It sounds crazy because in our society, it's the expected norm to use shampoo/body wash/home products and not question what's in any of them.

There's a lot of crunchy mamas that have gone this way and as it turns out there may be something to it.  There are a lot of dangerous chemicals just in shampoo and body wash that can wreak havoc on the hormones.  Here's just a small list of chemicals that can cause all sorts of health issues that I copied directly from Discover Health and Wealth.

• SOPROPYL ALCOHOL: This is a solvent and denaturant (poisonous substance that changes another substance's natural qualities). Isopropyl alcohol is found in hair color rinses, body rubs, hand lotions, after shave lotions, fragrances and many other cosmetics. This petroleum derived substance is also used in antifreeze and as a solvent in shellac. According to a Consumer's Dictionary of Cosmetic Ingredients, inhalation or ingestion of the vapor may cause headaches, flushing, dizziness, mental depression, nausea, vomiting, narcosis and coma.
• MINERAL OIL: Baby oil is 100% mineral oil. This commonly used petroleum ingredient coats the skin just like plastic wrap. The skin's natural immune barrier is disrupted as this plastic coating inhibits its ability to breathe and absorb the natural Moisture Factor (moisture and nutrition). The skin's ability to release toxins is impeded by this "plastic wrap", which can promote acne and other disorders. This process slows down skin function and normal cell development causing the skin to prematurely age.
• PEG: This is an abbreviation for polyethylene glycol that is used in making cleansers to dissolve oil and grease as well as thicken products. Because of their effectiveness, PEG's are often used in caustic spray-on oven cleaners and yet are found in many personal care products. PEG's contribute to stripping the natural Moisture Factor, leaving the immune system vulnerable. They are also potentially carcinogenic.
• PROPYLENE GLYCOL (PG): As a "surfactant" or wetting agent and solvent, this ingredient is actually the active component in antifreeze. There is no difference between the PG used in industry and the PG used in personal care products. It is used in industry to break down protein and cellular structure (what the skin is made of) yet is found in most forms of make-up, hair products, lotions, after shave- deodorants, mouthwashes and toothpaste. It is also used in food processing. Because of its ability to quickly penetrate the skin, the EPA requires workers to wear protective gloves, clothing and goggles when working with this toxic substance. The Material Safety Data Sheets warn against skin contact, as PG has systemic consequences such as brain, liver, and kidney abnormalities. Consumers are not protected not is there a warning label on products such as stick deodorants, where the concentration is greater than that in most industrial applications.  
• SODIUM LAURYL SULFATE (SLS) & SODIUM LAURETH SULFATE (SLES):
  Used as detergents and surfactants, these closely related compounds are found in car wash soaps, garage floor cleaners and engine degreasers. Yet both SLS and SLES are used more widely as one of the major ingredients in cosmetics, toothpaste, hair conditioner and about 90% of all shampoos and products that foam. Mark Fearer in an article, Dangerous Beauty, says "...in tests, animals that were exposed to SLS experienced eye damage, along with depression, labored breathing, diarrhea, severe skin irritation and corrosion and death". According to the American College of Toxicology states both SLS and SLES can cause malformation in children's eyes. Other research has indicated SLS may be damaging to the immune system, especially within the skin. Skin layers may separate and inflame due to its protein denaturing properties. It is possibly the most dangerous of all ingredients in personal care products. Research has shown that SLS when combined with other chemicals can be transformed into nitrosamines, a potent class of carcinogens, which causes the body to absorb nitrates at higher levels that eating nitrate-contaminated food." According to the American College of Toxicity report, "SLS stays in the body for up to five days..." Other studies have indicated that SLS easily penetrates through the skin and enters and maintains residual levels in the heart, the liver, the lungs and the brain. This poses serious questions regarding its potential health threat through its use in shampoos, cleansers and toothpaste. Animals that were exposed to SLS experienced eye damage, along with depression, labored breathing, diarrhea, severe skin irritation and corrosion and death.
• CHLORINE: According to Doris J. Rapp, M.D., author of Is This Your Child's World?, exposure to chlorine in tap water, showers, pool, laundry products, cleaning agents, food processing, sewage systems and many others, can effect health by contributing to asthma, hay fever, anemia, bronchitis, circulatory collapse, confusion, delirium, diabetes, dizziness, irritation of the eye, mouth, nose, throat, lung, skin and stomach, heart disease, high blood pressure and nausea. It is also a possible cause of cancer. Even though you will not see Chlorine on personal care product labels, it is important for you to be aware of the need to protect your skin when bathing and washing your hair.
• DEA (diethanolamine) MEA (momoethanolamine) TEA (triethanolamine):
  DEA and MEA are usually listed on the ingredient label in conjunction with the compound being neutralized. Thus look for names like Cocamide DEA or MEA, Lauramide DEA, etc. These are hormone disrupting chemicals and are known to form cancer causing nitrates and nitrosamines. These are commonly found in most personal care products that foam, including bubble baths, body washes, shampoos, soaps and facial cleansers. On the show CBS This Morning, Roberta Baskin revealed that a recent government report shows DEA and MEA are readily absorbed in the skin. Dr. Samuel Epstein, Professor of Environmental Health at the University of Illinois said, "repeated skin applications of DEA-based detergents resulted in a major increase in the incidence of two cancers - liver and kidney cancers". John Bailey, who oversees the cosmetic division for the FDA said the new study is especially important since "the risk equation changes significantly for children."
• FD & C COLOR PIGMENTS: Many color pigments cause skin sensitivity and irritation. Absorption of certain colors can cause depletion of oxygen in the body and even death according to a Consumer's Dictionary of Cosmetic Ingredients. Debra Lynn Dadd says in Home Safe Home: "Colors that can be used in foods, drugs and cosmetics are made from coal tar. There is a great deal of controversy about their use, because animal studies have shown almost all of them to be carcinogenic."
• FRAGRANCE: Fragrance is present in most deodorants, shampoos, sunscreens, skin care, body care, and baby products. Many of the compounds in fragrance are carcinogenic or otherwise toxic. "Fragrance on a label can indicate the presence of up to 4,000 separate ingredients. Most of all of them are synthetic. symptoms reported to the FDA have included headaches, dizziness, rashes, skin discoloration, violent coughing and vomiting, and allergic skin irritation. Clinical observation by medical doctors have shown that exposure to fragrances can affect the central nervous system, causing depression, hyperactivity, irritability, inability to cope, and other behavioral changes." Home Safe Home.
• IMIDAZOLIDINYL UREA and DMDM HYDANTOIN: These are just two of the many preservatives that release formaldehyde (formaldehyde-donors). According to the Mayo Clinic, formaldehyde can irritate the respiratory system, cause skin reactions and trigger heart palpitations. Exposure to formaldehyde may cause joint pain, allergies, depression, headaches, chest pains, ear infections, chronic fatigue, dizziness and loss of sleep. It can also aggravate coughs and colds and trigger asthma. Serious side effects include weakening of the immune system and cancer. Nearly all brands of skin, body and hair care, antiperspirants and nail polish found in stores contain formaldehyde releasing ingredients.

It's been six days since I eliminated shampoo and body wash from my use.  I ask my husband to smell my hair almost daily to see if there's any odor but he says my hair smells good (which is probably because I haven't been able to bring myself to eliminate the conditioner I use only on the ends of my hair and nowhere near the scalp).  I use a natural cornstarch based powder after I shower so that no one can complain I smell because I haven't been using body wash and my husband tells me even before I put it on that I just smell clean.

The big change that I've noticed since I've done this is that I don't lose near as much hair in the shower as I did before.  I had attributed the hair loss to my hypothyroidism before but comparatively I'm losing probably 3 strands every time I rinse my hair now compared to closer to 25 when I used shampoo.  I would love to get rid of the big bulk size conditioner I bought last month and switch over to a more natural conditioner like diluted apple cider but I can't bring myself to do it after I spent so much money on it.  I'm thinking of giving it to my mom who doesn't pay as much attention to the chemical additives in health and beauty products.

It's Been A While...

I did my last HCG trigger shot on Halloween and unfortunately it didn't work.  We had a lot of stress at that time (the possibility of adopting my SIL's baby, a very unplanned move and resulting financial stress from being on our own financially for the first time in 3 years, a flight/visit to Las Vegas to visit my husband's family before Thanksgiving, and a ton of family drama while we were there) and I'm attributing it to that.  After some discussion, and looking at how much we owed our specialty pharmacy for the shots, we decided that it doesn't make sense to continue doing them with so many obstacles that are keeping them from being successful.

After a long talk, including talk about will we be happy if we aren't blessed with living children or any more pregnancies, we've decided to put off fertility drugs and TTC for an undetermined amount of time.  We aren't doing anything as drastic as going on birth control but we are focusing on preparing ourselves for any eventuality.  We've decided I'm going to focus on getting healthy so that it could eventually happen on its own without the aid of fertility drugs.

Our overall decision is that we do want children but after almost 8 years of TTC, we are done stressing about it, so we are moving on to NTNP (not trying, not preventing).  If we aren't blessed with our own biological children we will find some way to adopt in the future.  Until then we are done doing things in preparation for the possibility of a child coming later in the year/future.  We have put many things off because of the "What if we have a baby by then" mentality.

We have never been just a couple together and do things to enjoy that.  We've always planned for a life full of children (at one time we discussed having 6 children), and started TTC 3 1/2 months after we got married, but during this discussion we decided that if we are always putting things off in anticipation of those children, we will never get to do them and will have put them off for no reason because the children won't be coming along.  So, we are going to start living life like a couple who do not have children.  Which means going on vacations that we've discussed and always put off doing because of the possibility of having children by the time we can afford it comes along, and going off for romantic weekends together, and just enjoying being the two of us.

We will be absolutely thrilled if we do eventually get pregnant with a healthy rainbow baby, but we are done with temping and charting and robotic scheduled sex.  If we are meant to have children, they will come in their own time.  I'm done saying I want to have children by the time I'm whatever age, now I'm saying, "If I have children, I will be happy to have them at whatever age I'm blessed to be given with them."  When we began our TTC journey, I always said I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30, but here I am at 33 1/4 years and we only have our two angels and if that's all we get, then we'll have two angels waiting for us in heaven.

It's a Do-Over

Unfortunately, last cycle resulted in a BFN and a very short LP.  I believe I'm Vitamin K deficient from years of anemia and menometrogghia and that's part of the reason why I had the short LP.  I stopped taking vitamin K after confirming ovulation then 10 days later AF shows up.

I'm hopeful that this cycle will take.  We also have some news that may or may not be newsworthy.  My youngest SIL is PG and at the moment wants us to adopt her baby.  I'm not even certain that she's going to want to give us the baby once she's gotten used to the idea of being PG.  The main reason she wants to give us the baby, right now, are because she's been living on the streets with her boyfriend and his toddler son, neither of them are employed, her boyfriend is in jail, and she's a recovering meth addict.

DH and I don't want to get our hopes up because his sister has been very wishy-washy in the past with things.  She'll claim she's going to do something right up until it's time to do it then change her mind or find an excuse not to do it.  I've done my research into adoption in our state just in case and when we see them, we will explain the process and options to them.

Not that we can afford the adoption process but we'll find a way if she sticks to her decision.  I'm also hoping that she'll get over the infatuation with her boyfriend while he's in jail and realize that a guy that can drag his 3 year old out to live on the streets and has no way of supporting that child has no business becoming a father to another one.  She has no business being a mother, either, because she has never even tried to get a job, chose to live on the street with this guy rather than live with her parents (she's only 23), and has been addicted to meth (and smokes pot regularly). 

There are times when I wonder how people as messed up as this can be given children.  Don't get me wrong, I love my SIL and want to help her but she has issues.

My biggest concern is that she is flighty.  I'm concerned that she'll stick to the decision after having the baby and in a few months, or a few years, decide she's ready to be a mother to this child and want it back.  In our state, she has 6 months to change her mind (we live 2000 miles apart) and we can't afford to bring the baby back if she does change her mind.  I know we'll have to stress to her that we are adopting the baby and they are giving up all parental rights to us.  The way she phrased it when she asked us makes me think that she does think it's going to be temporary and it won't be.  She'll have to understand that we would be mom and dad, not her and her boyfriend.

She'll have to understand that when we come to visit and bring the baby, we aren't bringing her child, we would be bringing our child.  I'm trying not to stress myself out about it but it's a huge event in our life if this happens and if it happens I want it to be as smooth as possible for her and for us.  I know how she's going to feel going into the hospital pregnant and coming out with nothing.  I don't want her to go through that pain.  I think it will be especially hard on her because unlike ours, her baby won't have died, it will be going to live with someone else and she will be able to see it living and growing up.  Pray for us and her.  I'm anticipating her deciding to keep the baby, but I guess anything is possible.

Dear God, I hate waiting!

I'm an impatient person.  There are some things I have patience for but getting a BFP after ovulating for the first time in nearly 3/4 of a decade, I want it to show up immediately.  I'm trying to maintain my faith in God blessing us with a healthy baby/pregnancy this time, but it gets harder with each BFN.

I'm constantly reminding myself that with both of my angels I didn't get a BFP until I was 3 days late.  With my first, I was in denial that I was even PG because I'd gotten a BFN 4 days before AF was due (that was once upon a time when my cycles were every 32 days like clockwork and before my thyroid issues).  With my second, it was my first time charting and I was absolutely positive that I was PG even though I hadn't gotten a BFP.  I tested probably 5 times before I got the BFP, and of course, I got it when I was 3 days late.

Since I work as a church secretary, I've been praying a lot while at work (when I have the time) and blessing myself with holy water.  KYFX for me to get a BFP.

Yes and No

I'm thrilled to say that the second round of 100mg clomid and 10,000 units of hcg made me ovulate but I didn't get pregnant.  What sucks is that I didn't call in to my doctor soon enough, so we have to skip a cycle since I'll be almost half way through the new cycle before I can get in to discuss the next round.

I think he'll increase the clomid to 150mg because it took 8 days after the hcg shot for me to ovulate.  I'm also going to ask him for prescription progesterone to use on the next cycle post-ovulation because my post-o temps were on the low side, making me believe that my progesterone level was low.

I have about 2 weeks until I start the my progesterone cream regimen to begin the next cycle.  I was skeptical that I even ovulated this cycle because of my post-o temps but AF arriving proved that I had.  I'm hopeful that next cycle this will work.  I've also had my thyroid meds increased because my levels were up again. I'm hoping when I go in for my follow-up I'll be able to convince my doctor to put me on Armour or Natur-throid instead of synthetic levothyroxine.

Hopefully next cycle will be successful for us.

The Excitement Has Worn Off

So, it's been almost 6 days since I got my HCG trigger shot.  So far there's been no thermal shift.  I'm trying not to be pessimistic, after all it really hasn't been that long.  I'm giving the shot 12-14 days to work and if it doesn't then, I get to go back to the ob/gyn for the final round.

It's a little upsetting to think that this dosage might not work.  I don't want to think about having to go on to 150mg of clomid for 5 days and the same strength trigger as this time.  I really wanted this shot to work, even if I didn't get pregnant on it.  At least then we'll know the right dosages for everything.

I was so excited when we found out that this ob/gyn was going to help us get pregnant but now my biggest fear is that we'll have to do the fertility specialist after this.  I know I'm not healthy enough to do IVF or even get a fertility specialist to agree to help us.  I keep telling DH that if I can't have children, then I'm not going to continue being overweight.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up. 

For the first time in forever, I'm feeling resigned to the fact that we may not be able to have children of our own.  It hurts me inside to know that this may very well be true.  I'm still praying this works but my hopes aren't as high as they were.

Another Cycle with Fertility Drugs

So, AF finally started about 2 weeks ago. I've done 100mg of clomid from cd5-9 and on Monday I go in for the 10,000 unit shot of HCG.  I'm hopeful that this cycle we catch it.  Part of me is hoping we do because we'll be due about 2 weeks before I was due with our angel daughter.  The other part of me dreads that possibility because of what happened with our angel daughter.  I don't really want to go through the same thing again at the same time of year.

The part that wants it to happen is bigger than the part that doesn't.  I'm kinda hoping for twins.  I know it'll be a lot harder on us to have two at once but we would be overjoyed by it.

Way Back When...

So, I was checking my lunar calendar earlier this week and decided to look back at the cycle in June 2006 when I got pregnant with my angel daughter.  To my surprise, that cycle started during the new moon and I conceived during the full moon.  I wasn't even practicing lunaception then but that cycle was right on the money.