A few different things have happened in our rainbow baby quest. First, AF this cycle was very short for me (4 days when it's usually a minimum of 7). A few days after this cycle started I was praying before bed. I started a new part time job as a nanny/housekeeper and am really enjoying it, and I was thanking God for my job. I began to say, "I'm really happy with it," but what came out was "I'm pregnant." Now I wasn't thinking along those lines at all and though it's something I do pray about it wasn't on my mind that night because I was beyond tired. So, I thought maybe God is telling me that it'll happen this cycle because I was a few days in.
My mom bought a new blood pressure cuff 4 days ago that also reads the pulse and she kept bugging me to check mine because hers was reading high and my BP usually stays around 114/76. I began to notice that every time my pulse was higher than is usual for me. My pulse is usually about 68 and every time I take my resting BP with her cuff (and when I've measured it on my own) it's between 78 and 89. None of the times I took it was I doing anything to make my pulse accelerate, so it made me start wondering if something was up. I did a little research because this combined with the other things I mentioned made me wonder if maybe my increased pulse could mean I'm preggo. I know pregnant women have a higher pulse rate than they would normally because they are pumping extra blood throughout the body and it makes the heart work harder.
So, last night I took a test because I really began thinking that if I was pregnant then it couldn't be from this cycle and maybe the AF I had wasn't really an AF but ovulation bleeding. We'd BD'd 3 days before AF started so it was totally possible. As soon as I did the test I could see a faint line appear but I couldn't tell if it was a true BFP or an evap line. My hubby saw it too, and we decided we'd do one this morning with FMU. So, I took the one this morning with FMU and didn't see anything, and neither did my hubby but when I got home tonight I saw a very faint line on it that almost looked like a shadow.
I know you aren't supposed to read tests that are hours old but I did anyways just to see and compare it to the previous test. I think the line might have been there before because the test strip was still wet when we read it (we used $ store cheapies) and the wetness could have been hiding the line. So, if it is a BFP, then I must not have conceived when I first thought because the line would have been much darker. With my previous 2 pregnancies I never got a BFP before CD35, and this is only CD28. I really don't want to wait another week to take another test, so Mike and I agreed I'd take another test on Friday but I'm going to buy a 2 pack so that if it comes up questionable, I'll have one to take on CD35.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Interesting Info on Cervical Mucus
I don't remember where I was reading this, I think it was on a blog called Naturally Knocked Up, but I found some very interesting information about cervical mucus (CM).
What's really sad is that it's more common sense than anything else, but hindsight is 20/20. The article basically says that women who are trying to conceive with regular cycles should look for two days in a row with egg-white-CM (EWCM) instead of monitoring BBT, cervical position, and cervical mucus for the majority (if not the whole) of their cycle. If EWCM is noted 2 days in a row the likelihood of conception at that point is greater.
So, I do find this interesting and while reading it was asking myself why I didn't just do that instead of checking all of those things each day. Then, I realized the reason I track my BBT, CP, and CM is because it makes me feel like I'm in control of this one thing that I want more than anything. Just that routine makes me feel like I have an edge over just having sex every other day and hoping that we'll catch that egg.
Just writing this post makes me realize just how stressful all of those measurements can make TTC. I never considered those things stressful, but all of the sudden I realize that they are. Making sure I take my temp as soon as I wake up, and not after an hour of tossing and turning hoping I'll go back to sleep, is stressful and annoying. In fact, I find temping to be the bane of my existence because I always want to argue with my charts especially when I think they should detect ovulation on a certain day or if my temp is unusually high one day.
If I followed this method, I wouldn't have to constantly be searching for my cervix hoping that it might be at just the right stage. I wouldn't have to be checking CM when there's not a chance I'm fertile. I wouldn't have to immediately search out my thermometer, that seems to always be moving, and temping for just long enough to wake me up. If I followed this method, I wouldn't be as anxious about each cycle.
The more I think about this method, the more I realize when we conceived our daughter, this was actually the method we used. I would just monitor my CM and we would have sex accordingly. It wasn't stressful because there weren't so many things for me to scrutinize and stress over.
I guess what I learned most from this article is that educating yourself about these methods can cause more issues than resolving them. I didn't even know about BBT and such until after we'd lost our daughter and had started trying again. When I started having all of the cycle issues was when I started looking to educate myself on TTC methods. I did conceive the first cycle we tried again, and with temping, but we lost that one also.
This cycle is already well under way, but my next cycle I am definitely going to try to revert to this method. It's much simpler and less stressful. And let's face it, we all need less stress.
What's really sad is that it's more common sense than anything else, but hindsight is 20/20. The article basically says that women who are trying to conceive with regular cycles should look for two days in a row with egg-white-CM (EWCM) instead of monitoring BBT, cervical position, and cervical mucus for the majority (if not the whole) of their cycle. If EWCM is noted 2 days in a row the likelihood of conception at that point is greater.
So, I do find this interesting and while reading it was asking myself why I didn't just do that instead of checking all of those things each day. Then, I realized the reason I track my BBT, CP, and CM is because it makes me feel like I'm in control of this one thing that I want more than anything. Just that routine makes me feel like I have an edge over just having sex every other day and hoping that we'll catch that egg.
Just writing this post makes me realize just how stressful all of those measurements can make TTC. I never considered those things stressful, but all of the sudden I realize that they are. Making sure I take my temp as soon as I wake up, and not after an hour of tossing and turning hoping I'll go back to sleep, is stressful and annoying. In fact, I find temping to be the bane of my existence because I always want to argue with my charts especially when I think they should detect ovulation on a certain day or if my temp is unusually high one day.
If I followed this method, I wouldn't have to constantly be searching for my cervix hoping that it might be at just the right stage. I wouldn't have to be checking CM when there's not a chance I'm fertile. I wouldn't have to immediately search out my thermometer, that seems to always be moving, and temping for just long enough to wake me up. If I followed this method, I wouldn't be as anxious about each cycle.
The more I think about this method, the more I realize when we conceived our daughter, this was actually the method we used. I would just monitor my CM and we would have sex accordingly. It wasn't stressful because there weren't so many things for me to scrutinize and stress over.
I guess what I learned most from this article is that educating yourself about these methods can cause more issues than resolving them. I didn't even know about BBT and such until after we'd lost our daughter and had started trying again. When I started having all of the cycle issues was when I started looking to educate myself on TTC methods. I did conceive the first cycle we tried again, and with temping, but we lost that one also.
This cycle is already well under way, but my next cycle I am definitely going to try to revert to this method. It's much simpler and less stressful. And let's face it, we all need less stress.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
This is Unusual
I know I haven't updated for quite awhile but Mike and I had a lot to discuss. Plus, I needed to get the opinions of a group of women that I trust to be completely honest with me. We are officially trying again as of January 20th.
On to the unusual. My cycle previous to this one I began experiencing symptoms of menometrorrahgia again and it really scared me because I didn't want to experience those symptoms again. I was honestly expecting the same thing again this current cycle but it's been the exact opposite.
AF (my period) has actually been very manageable this cycle and even on the point of almost unnoticeable. I did have 2 heavier days in there but not as heavy as the cycle before this one. Now on cycle day (CD) 5, AF has almost disappeared completely. I have a little spotting and that's it.
This is unusual for me because even when my cycles were, for a brief time, normal they usually lasted 7 days. They would lighten up by CD5 but not practically disappear. I have been thinking about it, and I really think this could be because of the Vitamin D.
I have been taking Vitamin D3 for about a month now and have noticed dramatic differences. Within about 4 to 5 days of starting the Vitamin D3, my previous cycle ended (it had lasted 21 days). I started feeling more energetic, and less stressed about things. I feel like it's really doing what I'd hoped it would do.
Right now, I'm taking a combo of prenatal vitamins, calcium with magnesium/potassium/zinc, Vitamin D3, folic acid, and iron. I take the iron separate from the rest because iron and calcium can counteract each other and the pills will be wasted. I have also lost about 4 pounds this month. I know it's not as much as I'd hoped to lose but I'm just glad to be losing.
On to the unusual. My cycle previous to this one I began experiencing symptoms of menometrorrahgia again and it really scared me because I didn't want to experience those symptoms again. I was honestly expecting the same thing again this current cycle but it's been the exact opposite.
AF (my period) has actually been very manageable this cycle and even on the point of almost unnoticeable. I did have 2 heavier days in there but not as heavy as the cycle before this one. Now on cycle day (CD) 5, AF has almost disappeared completely. I have a little spotting and that's it.
This is unusual for me because even when my cycles were, for a brief time, normal they usually lasted 7 days. They would lighten up by CD5 but not practically disappear. I have been thinking about it, and I really think this could be because of the Vitamin D.
I have been taking Vitamin D3 for about a month now and have noticed dramatic differences. Within about 4 to 5 days of starting the Vitamin D3, my previous cycle ended (it had lasted 21 days). I started feeling more energetic, and less stressed about things. I feel like it's really doing what I'd hoped it would do.
Right now, I'm taking a combo of prenatal vitamins, calcium with magnesium/potassium/zinc, Vitamin D3, folic acid, and iron. I take the iron separate from the rest because iron and calcium can counteract each other and the pills will be wasted. I have also lost about 4 pounds this month. I know it's not as much as I'd hoped to lose but I'm just glad to be losing.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Decisions
For a long time I've wondered if we are ever going to have kids. Considering our history, it's not an illogical place to be. I'm not giving up but I often wonder: what if we don't have kids in five or ten years? Neither of us are against adoption, but we've never been able to afford it either.
Mike got laid off today, probably indefinitely, and it really has me thinking about our rainbow quest. Should we continue to put it off until he has a stable job and benefits or should we start trying again because the window we have to have kids is diminishing?
We don't want to seem irresponsible by having a baby when we can't afford it, and I know people that will look down on us for it, but part of me feels like if we don't start trying again before we said that we'll be wasting a good part of this year waiting until Mike has a job and benefits. We both feel like we pay into these state aid programs and everything with our tax dollars, so why shouldn't we be able to use them temporarily, and without guilt?
This is something I'm really struggling with personally. I know Mike doesn't really care if we have to use those programs if necessary as long as we have a place to live and food to eat, which we do but those programs will help a lot more. I also feel like we aren't abusing the programs because we are both responsible adults who have fallen on hard times thanks to the economy. But like I said, I know people who will look down on us for using those programs as a crutch. We know we aren't irresponsible people but knowing that some of my family members, including a few who have used those programs themselves, will look at us like we are abusing the privilege is enough to have me wondering if the scrutiny is worth it.
We have decisions to make, and if we are going to start trying again next cycle, then I am in need of a new BBT thermometer because the one I have is the worst one on the market.
Mike got laid off today, probably indefinitely, and it really has me thinking about our rainbow quest. Should we continue to put it off until he has a stable job and benefits or should we start trying again because the window we have to have kids is diminishing?
We don't want to seem irresponsible by having a baby when we can't afford it, and I know people that will look down on us for it, but part of me feels like if we don't start trying again before we said that we'll be wasting a good part of this year waiting until Mike has a job and benefits. We both feel like we pay into these state aid programs and everything with our tax dollars, so why shouldn't we be able to use them temporarily, and without guilt?
This is something I'm really struggling with personally. I know Mike doesn't really care if we have to use those programs if necessary as long as we have a place to live and food to eat, which we do but those programs will help a lot more. I also feel like we aren't abusing the programs because we are both responsible adults who have fallen on hard times thanks to the economy. But like I said, I know people who will look down on us for using those programs as a crutch. We know we aren't irresponsible people but knowing that some of my family members, including a few who have used those programs themselves, will look at us like we are abusing the privilege is enough to have me wondering if the scrutiny is worth it.
We have decisions to make, and if we are going to start trying again next cycle, then I am in need of a new BBT thermometer because the one I have is the worst one on the market.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Can't Forget
I realized the other night after talking with Mike that we like a lot of couples who take a break are still hoping for that "accident" baby. What I mean is even though we aren't trying, both of us can't help but hope that every time we make love that we catch that egg.
It's not easy to get past those hopes after so many years, and though we both feel so much less stress now that we have officially decided we are on a break, it's a thought that still haunts both of us.
Mike's family especially make it difficult to forget because it seemed like all they could talk about when we skyped with them on Christmas and New Year's Eve was us having a baby. I don't think people realize when they get married how all of the sudden the results of the sex they have are very much a public matter within families.
I think tact dictates that you leave it up to the couple and don't discuss it unless they bring it up. I'm sorry but it offends me a bit that my sister-in-law has our 3 year old niece asking us when she's going to get a cousin. If the family wants another baby so badly why doesn't she go get pregnant again?
It is very annoying to me and Mike that everyone assumes we haven't been trying for years and that it's a choice we can make as easy as changing a shirt. We have fertility issues and a chromosome issue to deal with, so it's not as easy for us as it is for women who can look at a man and get pregnant.
I am seriously tired of being asked why we aren't trying to have a baby. I am about ready to remove everyone from my facebook list who asks about it again. It's hard enough to see my younger cousins having babies and my former yearbook advisor from high school, who is almost 50, has just given birth to twin boys. These are reminders that make me especially feel like a failure. I don't mean that these babies aren't welcome and cared for in our lives, but it just drives home the unfulfilled want even more.
So, just remember to have some tact around couples who aren't having babies on someone else's schedule because it may not be by choice.
It's not easy to get past those hopes after so many years, and though we both feel so much less stress now that we have officially decided we are on a break, it's a thought that still haunts both of us.
Mike's family especially make it difficult to forget because it seemed like all they could talk about when we skyped with them on Christmas and New Year's Eve was us having a baby. I don't think people realize when they get married how all of the sudden the results of the sex they have are very much a public matter within families.
I think tact dictates that you leave it up to the couple and don't discuss it unless they bring it up. I'm sorry but it offends me a bit that my sister-in-law has our 3 year old niece asking us when she's going to get a cousin. If the family wants another baby so badly why doesn't she go get pregnant again?
It is very annoying to me and Mike that everyone assumes we haven't been trying for years and that it's a choice we can make as easy as changing a shirt. We have fertility issues and a chromosome issue to deal with, so it's not as easy for us as it is for women who can look at a man and get pregnant.
I am seriously tired of being asked why we aren't trying to have a baby. I am about ready to remove everyone from my facebook list who asks about it again. It's hard enough to see my younger cousins having babies and my former yearbook advisor from high school, who is almost 50, has just given birth to twin boys. These are reminders that make me especially feel like a failure. I don't mean that these babies aren't welcome and cared for in our lives, but it just drives home the unfulfilled want even more.
So, just remember to have some tact around couples who aren't having babies on someone else's schedule because it may not be by choice.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Yes, Yes, Yes
I am celebrating the small victory today of knowing I am on the right track by taking vitamin D3. I've been taking the maximum safe recommended dosage each day, 10,000iu, and could tell the difference immediately.
I was beginning to see the symptoms of menometrorhaggia returning this cycle for the first time in over a year, and it was very frustrating to me. For those who don't know what menometrogghia is it is a combination of menorhaggia and metrorrahgia. Menhoraggia is defined as irregularly long and heavy menstrual periods followed by long intervals between menstrual periods. Metrorrahgia is defined as bleeding or spotting between menstrual periods. So, the easy way of saying it is that my period lasted for 19 days this cycle.
I know why it lasted this long too, I've gotten sloppy and lazy about keeping up with my progesterone cream regimen. I wasn't doing it for as long as I should have been and I had cut down the dosage because I was trying to make it last since we couldn't afford to buy more cream before I was going to run out. I should've known the previous cycle because it lasted for 9 days and it had been at the most 7 days with the last 2 days being spotting once I began the cream regimen.
So, why am I celebrating. Before I started progesterone cream or went to the RE, my periods could last up to 2 months or more and I'd have maybe 3 months between them. By using the vitamin D3 and restoring my body to a healthy level of D3, I am taking charge of my hormonal issues. Many of the things I tried in the past failed, not because they don't work, but because the hormone levels have to be better balanced than mine have been. I know for a fact that my hormone levels are very out of whack.
Another thing I am doing to try to repair my hormonal issues is I began Weight Watchers. I'm not actually going to the meetings or doing it online, I have all the information from when I went last year, so I'm just tracking my points and weighing in once a week. I am also going to start following the suggestions I found in a great blog called Naturally Knocked Up.
This website is a great resource for women who want to get pregnant naturally without dealing with the side effects of fertility drugs. They even have an article on there about how to regulate basal body temperature, which I'm definitely going to try once we start trying again. We have about 3 months until we start trying again and I am really working on getting healthy for when that happens.
I'm not giving myself a weight loss goal by that time, but I'm hoping for about 10% of my starting body weight. I've been told this should be much easier now that I'm getting adequate amounts of vitamin D3 in each day, so I'm hoping the weight will drop much easier than it was before. My hormones have been out of whack for so long that I could not lose more than a few pounds before my body began fighting me and I'd yo-yo back and forth. I did WW for 4 months last time before I had to quit and because my hormone issues weren't taken care of, I lost less than 5% of my body weight during that time.
Before you lecture me that weight loss requires exercise as well as diet, I can exercise until my lungs all but pop out of my mouth, and I did daily for months without results. Before you tell me that I must not have been honest about my diet, I am brutally honest about my diet because I don't believe in doing things half-way. With my hormones the way they were I could eat grilled chicken salad with olive oil dressing for every meal and still not lose weight. I could starve myself and still not lose weight because my hormones were working against me.
So, yes, I'm celebrating a small victory but one that should have a huge impact on my life for the rest of my life. So, before you go to a doctor and complain that you've done everything you can do and still aren't losing weight, add either 20 minutes in the sun per day (without sunblock) or add between 2000 and 10,000iu of vitamin D3 to your vitamin regimen per day. In a British study it found that only 7% of obese or overweight people had adequate amounts of vitamin D3 in their system, so that means more than likely if you're even the tiniest bit overweight you could fall in that range and be deficient just like I was.
Oh, and one more thing, vitamin D3 is actually a hormone regulator and a hormone itself, so you can't build up your levels then stop taking it like you can with some other vitamins because your D3 levels fluctuate daily depending on how much you take in. So, if you're D3 deficient then you will need to keep up with your intake for life.
I was beginning to see the symptoms of menometrorhaggia returning this cycle for the first time in over a year, and it was very frustrating to me. For those who don't know what menometrogghia is it is a combination of menorhaggia and metrorrahgia. Menhoraggia is defined as irregularly long and heavy menstrual periods followed by long intervals between menstrual periods. Metrorrahgia is defined as bleeding or spotting between menstrual periods. So, the easy way of saying it is that my period lasted for 19 days this cycle.
I know why it lasted this long too, I've gotten sloppy and lazy about keeping up with my progesterone cream regimen. I wasn't doing it for as long as I should have been and I had cut down the dosage because I was trying to make it last since we couldn't afford to buy more cream before I was going to run out. I should've known the previous cycle because it lasted for 9 days and it had been at the most 7 days with the last 2 days being spotting once I began the cream regimen.
So, why am I celebrating. Before I started progesterone cream or went to the RE, my periods could last up to 2 months or more and I'd have maybe 3 months between them. By using the vitamin D3 and restoring my body to a healthy level of D3, I am taking charge of my hormonal issues. Many of the things I tried in the past failed, not because they don't work, but because the hormone levels have to be better balanced than mine have been. I know for a fact that my hormone levels are very out of whack.
Another thing I am doing to try to repair my hormonal issues is I began Weight Watchers. I'm not actually going to the meetings or doing it online, I have all the information from when I went last year, so I'm just tracking my points and weighing in once a week. I am also going to start following the suggestions I found in a great blog called Naturally Knocked Up.
This website is a great resource for women who want to get pregnant naturally without dealing with the side effects of fertility drugs. They even have an article on there about how to regulate basal body temperature, which I'm definitely going to try once we start trying again. We have about 3 months until we start trying again and I am really working on getting healthy for when that happens.
I'm not giving myself a weight loss goal by that time, but I'm hoping for about 10% of my starting body weight. I've been told this should be much easier now that I'm getting adequate amounts of vitamin D3 in each day, so I'm hoping the weight will drop much easier than it was before. My hormones have been out of whack for so long that I could not lose more than a few pounds before my body began fighting me and I'd yo-yo back and forth. I did WW for 4 months last time before I had to quit and because my hormone issues weren't taken care of, I lost less than 5% of my body weight during that time.
Before you lecture me that weight loss requires exercise as well as diet, I can exercise until my lungs all but pop out of my mouth, and I did daily for months without results. Before you tell me that I must not have been honest about my diet, I am brutally honest about my diet because I don't believe in doing things half-way. With my hormones the way they were I could eat grilled chicken salad with olive oil dressing for every meal and still not lose weight. I could starve myself and still not lose weight because my hormones were working against me.
So, yes, I'm celebrating a small victory but one that should have a huge impact on my life for the rest of my life. So, before you go to a doctor and complain that you've done everything you can do and still aren't losing weight, add either 20 minutes in the sun per day (without sunblock) or add between 2000 and 10,000iu of vitamin D3 to your vitamin regimen per day. In a British study it found that only 7% of obese or overweight people had adequate amounts of vitamin D3 in their system, so that means more than likely if you're even the tiniest bit overweight you could fall in that range and be deficient just like I was.
Oh, and one more thing, vitamin D3 is actually a hormone regulator and a hormone itself, so you can't build up your levels then stop taking it like you can with some other vitamins because your D3 levels fluctuate daily depending on how much you take in. So, if you're D3 deficient then you will need to keep up with your intake for life.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Being Bitter and Insensitive
For a very long time after losing our babies, I felt bitter about how other people talked about us having babies and how easy it seemed for everyone else around us to get pregnant.
I'm glad that maybe, at last, I've become less bitter about everyone else having a baby but us. It's hard to believe it's taken 5 years to let that bitterness go. I honestly didn't realize I was bitter about it until we moved back to this area, but I realized it keeps me separate from my family because I treat them the same as they treat me. None of us know how to deal with the tragedy in my and Mike's life, and rather than seem insensitive it's a topic that is avoided.
It hurts me that it is avoided, so I avoid talking to them about it because like in all families sooner or later the question "So when are you going to have another baby?" arises. I only wish they understood. It's especially rampant when all of my cousins seem to be having babies. But this also brings me around to how insensitive people can be around parents who have lost about this topic.
I have a cousin who had a baby at a young age, 10 years ago, and ever since has had many ectopic pregnancies which resulted in the loss of one tube and ovary. Two years ago, somehow she and her fiance managed to get pregnant despite the fact that her doctors told her it was next to impossible without IVF. They now have a healthy toddler together. A few months ago my cousin discovered she was pregnant again, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. As a result of that ectopic pregnancy, she lost her other tube and ovary, and was told she should have a hysterectomy.
It makes me sad that she's been through so much with her fertility, but after the issues Mike and I have had, I also am happy she has both of her children, it would have been much harder if she'd gone through all of that with no children to show for the struggle. Well, she immediately decided before she's going to have her surgery that she wants to do fertility treatments so they can proceed with IVF in the future in case they want more children. I don't know if I would put off the surgery for a procedure that isn't guaranteed to work and is very expensive.
This doesn't bother me, but the way I see it is maybe this is God's way of telling her that two were her limit. Well, my dad's aunt took this news very hard and considers it a tragedy. I mean, she goes on and on about how terrible it is that my cousin can't have any more children. Honestly, I find that attitude insulting and more than a little bit insensitive.
Not being able to have more children after you have two healthy children is not a tragedy. A tragedy is the losses my cousin has experienced. And, honestly, after so many ectopic pregnancies, I wouldn't be thrilled about possibly getting pregnant again.
If anything, people need to learn a little tact when it comes to this topic. And, if they don't know how to say something without sounding insensitive or tactless, then they shouldn't say anything at all.
I'm glad that maybe, at last, I've become less bitter about everyone else having a baby but us. It's hard to believe it's taken 5 years to let that bitterness go. I honestly didn't realize I was bitter about it until we moved back to this area, but I realized it keeps me separate from my family because I treat them the same as they treat me. None of us know how to deal with the tragedy in my and Mike's life, and rather than seem insensitive it's a topic that is avoided.
It hurts me that it is avoided, so I avoid talking to them about it because like in all families sooner or later the question "So when are you going to have another baby?" arises. I only wish they understood. It's especially rampant when all of my cousins seem to be having babies. But this also brings me around to how insensitive people can be around parents who have lost about this topic.
I have a cousin who had a baby at a young age, 10 years ago, and ever since has had many ectopic pregnancies which resulted in the loss of one tube and ovary. Two years ago, somehow she and her fiance managed to get pregnant despite the fact that her doctors told her it was next to impossible without IVF. They now have a healthy toddler together. A few months ago my cousin discovered she was pregnant again, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. As a result of that ectopic pregnancy, she lost her other tube and ovary, and was told she should have a hysterectomy.
It makes me sad that she's been through so much with her fertility, but after the issues Mike and I have had, I also am happy she has both of her children, it would have been much harder if she'd gone through all of that with no children to show for the struggle. Well, she immediately decided before she's going to have her surgery that she wants to do fertility treatments so they can proceed with IVF in the future in case they want more children. I don't know if I would put off the surgery for a procedure that isn't guaranteed to work and is very expensive.
This doesn't bother me, but the way I see it is maybe this is God's way of telling her that two were her limit. Well, my dad's aunt took this news very hard and considers it a tragedy. I mean, she goes on and on about how terrible it is that my cousin can't have any more children. Honestly, I find that attitude insulting and more than a little bit insensitive.
Not being able to have more children after you have two healthy children is not a tragedy. A tragedy is the losses my cousin has experienced. And, honestly, after so many ectopic pregnancies, I wouldn't be thrilled about possibly getting pregnant again.
If anything, people need to learn a little tact when it comes to this topic. And, if they don't know how to say something without sounding insensitive or tactless, then they shouldn't say anything at all.
Babies Everywhere
Why does it seem like when you really want a baby, everyone around you is having them? It's not nearly as many people I know currently, but a year ago, it seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant.
Currently, at last count there are five people that I know that are expecting babies. In the past I almost felt like fate was mocking me because I wanted a baby so badly and these people seemed to get pregnant so easily.
I don't feel like that now. Maybe it's because I am trying to finally focus on something else, or maybe part of me feels like it's never going to happen. These babies seem to be popping up everywhere, but instead of making me feel depressed, I am almost ignoring it.
The one thing I do hate the most about my fertility issues is everyone assuming that we are waiting to have another baby. How do you explain to everyone that you haven't been waiting? I don't want to go into details with family and friends about my fertility issues along with Mike's chromosome defect because in the end, they don't understand.
I guess the saying "People who get things kind of easily don't always appreciate what they have" is really true. If my family and friends had the fertility issues along with the chromosome defect as an issue, they wouldn't always be pestering us about when we're going to have a baby. Even Mike's family doesn't understand that we aren't waiting to have a baby.
It is truly devastating to lose not one but two children, and it hurts when people don't acknowledge our babies. I really don't like thinking that some of my friends' children may be old enough to babysit our kids when we do have them because it took that long.
I'm just glad that I'm not seeing and hearing about babies everywhere.
Currently, at last count there are five people that I know that are expecting babies. In the past I almost felt like fate was mocking me because I wanted a baby so badly and these people seemed to get pregnant so easily.
I don't feel like that now. Maybe it's because I am trying to finally focus on something else, or maybe part of me feels like it's never going to happen. These babies seem to be popping up everywhere, but instead of making me feel depressed, I am almost ignoring it.
The one thing I do hate the most about my fertility issues is everyone assuming that we are waiting to have another baby. How do you explain to everyone that you haven't been waiting? I don't want to go into details with family and friends about my fertility issues along with Mike's chromosome defect because in the end, they don't understand.
I guess the saying "People who get things kind of easily don't always appreciate what they have" is really true. If my family and friends had the fertility issues along with the chromosome defect as an issue, they wouldn't always be pestering us about when we're going to have a baby. Even Mike's family doesn't understand that we aren't waiting to have a baby.
It is truly devastating to lose not one but two children, and it hurts when people don't acknowledge our babies. I really don't like thinking that some of my friends' children may be old enough to babysit our kids when we do have them because it took that long.
I'm just glad that I'm not seeing and hearing about babies everywhere.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Babies on the Brain
Almost every woman who has had trouble conceiving, or has even taken more than two cycles trying, has experienced what I call baby-on-the-brain syndrome. It's symptoms include taking numerous ovulation predictor and pregnancy tests, constantly checking for fertility clues, and not being able to block out getting pregnant or having a baby out of your head.
I'm guilty, and I know plenty of other women who are, too. It gets so bad that you dream about it at night and daydream about the baby you want to have. Despite being on a baby-making break, having a baby is still very much on my mind, partly because of the 5th anniversary/birthday of our dearly loved angel on Friday last week.
I am desperately trying to refocus my brain on something other than having a baby. I've easily taken to not tracking my BBT every morning, but that anxiety is still there. What if after this break, nothing has changed? What if I haven't improved our chances of conceiving during this break? What if our hopes that by this time next year, we'll be expecting a baby or have had one already don't come true?
I really need to learn to relax and truly take this one day at a time, but that's just not who I am. I am a worrier. I am a planner. AND, unfortunately, I still have babies on the brain.
I'm guilty, and I know plenty of other women who are, too. It gets so bad that you dream about it at night and daydream about the baby you want to have. Despite being on a baby-making break, having a baby is still very much on my mind, partly because of the 5th anniversary/birthday of our dearly loved angel on Friday last week.
I am desperately trying to refocus my brain on something other than having a baby. I've easily taken to not tracking my BBT every morning, but that anxiety is still there. What if after this break, nothing has changed? What if I haven't improved our chances of conceiving during this break? What if our hopes that by this time next year, we'll be expecting a baby or have had one already don't come true?
I really need to learn to relax and truly take this one day at a time, but that's just not who I am. I am a worrier. I am a planner. AND, unfortunately, I still have babies on the brain.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
On A Break
I know this blog is dedicated to my journey to conceive a rainbow baby, but after almost 6 years of trying, and about 7 months without insurance, Mike and I have decided to take a break from actively trying. What we are really doing is NTNP or not trying but not preventing, which means if we happen to conceive while we're on this break, we won't be upset by it.
This break is going to actually last until the beginning of March 2012 when Mike gets insurance through his new job. Until then, I'm working hard on getting control of my hormonal imbalance with progesterone cream and vitamin d3, along with a daily multi-vitamin and iron supplements.
I am a member of a website run by Wray on Progesterone Therapy, and she is who really got me started on using progesterone cream and most recently vitamin d3. She is not a doctor but is another woman like me who wasn't content to let a doctor put her on potentially harmful drugs when there were natural alternatives. I highly recommend checking out this site and reading some of the comments to see if you are experiencing what some of her readers are.
Just because I'm taking a break doesn't mean that TTC (trying to conceive) isn't going to be on my mind. In fact, I think with this break, it's going to relieve a lot of the stress Mike and I have been under because we haven't conceived again.
Part of the stress about TTC for us are my own fertility issues, but the other part is, there's a 50/50 chance with every pregnancy that the chromosome defect Mike carries could be passed on. We could increase those odds to about 80/20 if we do in vitro fertilization with PGD, preimplantation genetic diagnosis, but that costs about $20,000 that we don't and probably will never have. So, until we can afford that or we win a scholarship from INCIID that pays for the IVF, we are going to continue trying the old-fashioned way.
I have to talk about INCIID because they are a great way for couples like us, or who have other fertility issues, to get IVF paid for. INCIID is an organization that does an unlimited amount of IVF scholarships each year for qualifying, accepted couples. So, basically, you have to go fill out an application, pouring out your heart and explaining your fertility issues, AND if you are accepted, you have to further qualify with a participating fertility specialist who would perform the IVF. Then, you have to raise $3000 in donations to INCIID before they will give you the scholarship. If the IVF round is not successful, then you can reapply. Because we'd need the PGD to go with the IVF we'd have to come up with $3000-$5000 on top of the donations to pay for it.
This organization helping us is really our ultimate goal because we know from our story alone we would qualify, we have a lot of family and friends that would help us raise donations, and my parents agreed to take out loans from their 401k to pay for the PGD if we need it.
So along with even more research during this break, I'm focusing on getting my insulin resistance under control so I can lose some of the 100lbs it helped put on me since I got pregnant with our daughter. If I can lose this weight, and the vitamin d3 and progesterone cream work, then hopefully we'll get pregnant again this year either naturally or possibly be able to qualify for the scholarship.
This break is going to actually last until the beginning of March 2012 when Mike gets insurance through his new job. Until then, I'm working hard on getting control of my hormonal imbalance with progesterone cream and vitamin d3, along with a daily multi-vitamin and iron supplements.
I am a member of a website run by Wray on Progesterone Therapy, and she is who really got me started on using progesterone cream and most recently vitamin d3. She is not a doctor but is another woman like me who wasn't content to let a doctor put her on potentially harmful drugs when there were natural alternatives. I highly recommend checking out this site and reading some of the comments to see if you are experiencing what some of her readers are.
Just because I'm taking a break doesn't mean that TTC (trying to conceive) isn't going to be on my mind. In fact, I think with this break, it's going to relieve a lot of the stress Mike and I have been under because we haven't conceived again.
Part of the stress about TTC for us are my own fertility issues, but the other part is, there's a 50/50 chance with every pregnancy that the chromosome defect Mike carries could be passed on. We could increase those odds to about 80/20 if we do in vitro fertilization with PGD, preimplantation genetic diagnosis, but that costs about $20,000 that we don't and probably will never have. So, until we can afford that or we win a scholarship from INCIID that pays for the IVF, we are going to continue trying the old-fashioned way.
I have to talk about INCIID because they are a great way for couples like us, or who have other fertility issues, to get IVF paid for. INCIID is an organization that does an unlimited amount of IVF scholarships each year for qualifying, accepted couples. So, basically, you have to go fill out an application, pouring out your heart and explaining your fertility issues, AND if you are accepted, you have to further qualify with a participating fertility specialist who would perform the IVF. Then, you have to raise $3000 in donations to INCIID before they will give you the scholarship. If the IVF round is not successful, then you can reapply. Because we'd need the PGD to go with the IVF we'd have to come up with $3000-$5000 on top of the donations to pay for it.
This organization helping us is really our ultimate goal because we know from our story alone we would qualify, we have a lot of family and friends that would help us raise donations, and my parents agreed to take out loans from their 401k to pay for the PGD if we need it.
So along with even more research during this break, I'm focusing on getting my insulin resistance under control so I can lose some of the 100lbs it helped put on me since I got pregnant with our daughter. If I can lose this weight, and the vitamin d3 and progesterone cream work, then hopefully we'll get pregnant again this year either naturally or possibly be able to qualify for the scholarship.
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