I found out a couple days ago that yet another of my younger cousins and her husband are expecting their first baby. I know they struggled for a year with fertility issues due to my cousin's endometriosis but that doesn't make me feel sorry for how long it took them to become pregnant, after over 7 years of infertility that amount of time seems like nothing.
So, yes, I'm angry. I'm not angry that they are having a baby. I love my cousins and want them to be happy. I'm angry because we've wanted kids for so long and once again one of my younger cousins is pregnant or their wife is having a baby. They're having a baby and not us.
I know this isn't a punishment but it feels like it is. I'm angry that there are people I know that can just snap their fingers and get pregnant while I struggle to even ovulate at all. I hate that people, including my best friend, just tell me to "lose weight and it'll happen." What the HELL do they know? They don't know what it's like to struggle in this way. Six months, a year, I'd love it if I only had to "struggle" to get pregnant for that short period of time.
I feel like I do when people that think they know everything there is to know about weight loss or hypothyroidism. It's times like this when I begin to wonder if we will ever have kids. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of the endless frustration of not ovulating cycle after cycle. I'm tired of everyone else in the world getting pregnant before me. I'm tired of looking at the news and yet another celebrity is pregnant.
So, yes, I'm angry. I'm angry that my cousin who has been given everything she wants whenever she wants, who "struggled" for six months, is pregnant. I'm angry that my younger brother and three of my 4 younger cousins have had living children before us. I love all of them and love their kids but it doesn't mean that I can't be angry that they were blessed with living children while we may not be.
