Yes, Yes, Yes

I am celebrating the small victory today of knowing I am on the right track by taking vitamin D3. I've been taking the maximum safe recommended dosage each day, 10,000iu, and could tell the difference immediately.

I was beginning to see the symptoms of menometrorhaggia returning this cycle for the first time in over a year, and it was very frustrating to me. For those who don't know what menometrogghia is it is a combination of menorhaggia and metrorrahgia. Menhoraggia is defined as irregularly long and heavy menstrual periods followed by long intervals between menstrual periods. Metrorrahgia is defined as bleeding or spotting between menstrual periods. So, the easy way of saying it is that my period lasted for 19 days this cycle.

I know why it lasted this long too, I've gotten sloppy and lazy about keeping up with my progesterone cream regimen. I wasn't doing it for as long as I should have been and I had cut down the dosage because I was trying to make it last since we couldn't afford to buy more cream before I was going to run out. I should've known the previous cycle because it lasted for 9 days and it had been at the most 7 days with the last 2 days being spotting once I began the cream regimen.

So, why am I celebrating. Before I started progesterone cream or went to the RE, my periods could last up to 2 months or more and I'd have maybe 3 months between them. By using the vitamin D3 and restoring my body to a healthy level of D3, I am taking charge of my hormonal issues. Many of the things I tried in the past failed, not because they don't work, but because the hormone levels have to be better balanced than mine have been. I know for a fact that my hormone levels are very out of whack.

Another thing I am doing to try to repair my hormonal issues is I began Weight Watchers. I'm not actually going to the meetings or doing it online, I have all the information from when I went last year, so I'm just tracking my points and weighing in once a week. I am also going to start following the suggestions I found in a great blog called Naturally Knocked Up.

This website is a great resource for women who want to get pregnant naturally without dealing with the side effects of fertility drugs. They even have an article on there about how to regulate basal body temperature, which I'm definitely going to try once we start trying again. We have about 3 months until we start trying again and I am really working on getting healthy for when that happens.

I'm not giving myself a weight loss goal by that time, but I'm hoping for about 10% of my starting body weight. I've been told this should be much easier now that I'm getting adequate amounts of vitamin D3 in each day, so I'm hoping the weight will drop much easier than it was before. My hormones have been out of whack for so long that I could not lose more than a few pounds before my body began fighting me and I'd yo-yo back and forth. I did WW for 4 months last time before I had to quit and because my hormone issues weren't taken care of, I lost less than 5% of my body weight during that time.

Before you lecture me that weight loss requires exercise as well as diet, I can exercise until my lungs all but pop out of my mouth, and I did daily for months without results. Before you tell me that I must not have been honest about my diet, I am brutally honest about my diet because I don't believe in doing things half-way. With my hormones the way they were I could eat grilled chicken salad with olive oil dressing for every meal and still not lose weight. I could starve myself and still not lose weight because my hormones were working against me.

So, yes, I'm celebrating a small victory but one that should have a huge impact on my life for the rest of my life. So, before you go to a doctor and complain that you've done everything you can do and still aren't losing weight, add either 20 minutes in the sun per day (without sunblock) or add between 2000 and 10,000iu of vitamin D3 to your vitamin regimen per day. In a British study it found that only 7% of obese or overweight people had adequate amounts of vitamin D3 in their system, so that means more than likely if you're even the tiniest bit overweight you could fall in that range and be deficient just like I was.

Oh, and one more thing, vitamin D3 is actually a hormone regulator and a hormone itself, so you can't build up your levels then stop taking it like you can with some other vitamins because your D3 levels fluctuate daily depending on how much you take in. So, if you're D3 deficient then you will need to keep up with your intake for life.

Being Bitter and Insensitive

For a very long time after losing our babies, I felt bitter about how other people talked about us having babies and how easy it seemed for everyone else around us to get pregnant.

I'm glad that maybe, at last, I've become less bitter about everyone else having a baby but us. It's hard to believe it's taken 5 years to let that bitterness go. I honestly didn't realize I was bitter about it until we moved back to this area, but I realized it keeps me separate from my family because I treat them the same as they treat me. None of us know how to deal with the tragedy in my and Mike's life, and rather than seem insensitive it's a topic that is avoided.

It hurts me that it is avoided, so I avoid talking to them about it because like in all families sooner or later the question "So when are you going to have another baby?" arises. I only wish they understood. It's especially rampant when all of my cousins seem to be having babies. But this also brings me around to how insensitive people can be around parents who have lost about this topic.

I have a cousin who had a baby at a young age, 10 years ago, and ever since has had many ectopic pregnancies which resulted in the loss of one tube and ovary. Two years ago, somehow she and her fiance managed to get pregnant despite the fact that her doctors told her it was next to impossible without IVF. They now have a healthy toddler together. A few months ago my cousin discovered she was pregnant again, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. As a result of that ectopic pregnancy, she lost her other tube and ovary, and was told she should have a hysterectomy.

It makes me sad that she's been through so much with her fertility, but after the issues Mike and I have had, I also am happy she has both of her children, it would have been much harder if she'd gone through all of that with no children to show for the struggle. Well, she immediately decided before she's going to have her surgery that she wants to do fertility treatments so they can proceed with IVF in the future in case they want more children. I don't know if I would put off the surgery for a procedure that isn't guaranteed to work and is very expensive.

This doesn't bother me, but the way I see it is maybe this is God's way of telling her that two were her limit. Well, my dad's aunt took this news very hard and considers it a tragedy. I mean, she goes on and on about how terrible it is that my cousin can't have any more children. Honestly, I find that attitude insulting and more than a little bit insensitive.

Not being able to have more children after you have two healthy children is not a tragedy. A tragedy is the losses my cousin has experienced. And, honestly, after so many ectopic pregnancies, I wouldn't be thrilled about possibly getting pregnant again.

If anything, people need to learn a little tact when it comes to this topic. And, if they don't know how to say something without sounding insensitive or tactless, then they shouldn't say anything at all.

Babies Everywhere

Why does it seem like when you really want a baby, everyone around you is having them? It's not nearly as many people I know currently, but a year ago, it seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant.

Currently, at last count there are five people that I know that are expecting babies. In the past I almost felt like fate was mocking me because I wanted a baby so badly and these people seemed to get pregnant so easily.

I don't feel like that now. Maybe it's because I am trying to finally focus on something else, or maybe part of me feels like it's never going to happen. These babies seem to be popping up everywhere, but instead of making me feel depressed, I am almost ignoring it.

The one thing I do hate the most about my fertility issues is everyone assuming that we are waiting to have another baby. How do you explain to everyone that you haven't been waiting? I don't want to go into details with family and friends about my fertility issues along with Mike's chromosome defect because in the end, they don't understand.

I guess the saying "People who get things kind of easily don't always appreciate what they have" is really true. If my family and friends had the fertility issues along with the chromosome defect as an issue, they wouldn't always be pestering us about when we're going to have a baby. Even Mike's family doesn't understand that we aren't waiting to have a baby.

It is truly devastating to lose not one but two children, and it hurts when people don't acknowledge our babies. I really don't like thinking that some of my friends' children may be old enough to babysit our kids when we do have them because it took that long.

I'm just glad that I'm not seeing and hearing about babies everywhere.

Babies on the Brain

Almost every woman who has had trouble conceiving, or has even taken more than two cycles trying, has experienced what I call baby-on-the-brain syndrome. It's symptoms include taking numerous ovulation predictor and pregnancy tests, constantly checking for fertility clues, and not being able to block out getting pregnant or having a baby out of your head.

I'm guilty, and I know plenty of other women who are, too. It gets so bad that you dream about it at night and daydream about the baby you want to have. Despite being on a baby-making break, having a baby is still very much on my mind, partly because of the 5th anniversary/birthday of our dearly loved angel on Friday last week.

I am desperately trying to refocus my brain on something other than having a baby. I've easily taken to not tracking my BBT every morning, but that anxiety is still there. What if after this break, nothing has changed? What if I haven't improved our chances of conceiving during this break? What if our hopes that by this time next year, we'll be expecting a baby or have had one already don't come true?

I really need to learn to relax and truly take this one day at a time, but that's just not who I am. I am a worrier. I am a planner. AND, unfortunately, I still have babies on the brain.

On A Break

I know this blog is dedicated to my journey to conceive a rainbow baby, but after almost 6 years of trying, and about 7 months without insurance, Mike and I have decided to take a break from actively trying. What we are really doing is NTNP or not trying but not preventing, which means if we happen to conceive while we're on this break, we won't be upset by it.

This break is going to actually last until the beginning of March 2012 when Mike gets insurance through his new job. Until then, I'm working hard on getting control of my hormonal imbalance with progesterone cream and vitamin d3, along with a daily multi-vitamin and iron supplements.

I am a member of a website run by Wray on Progesterone Therapy, and she is who really got me started on using progesterone cream and most recently vitamin d3. She is not a doctor but is another woman like me who wasn't content to let a doctor put her on potentially harmful drugs when there were natural alternatives. I highly recommend checking out this site and reading some of the comments to see if you are experiencing what some of her readers are.

Just because I'm taking a break doesn't mean that TTC (trying to conceive) isn't going to be on my mind. In fact, I think with this break, it's going to relieve a lot of the stress Mike and I have been under because we haven't conceived again.

Part of the stress about TTC for us are my own fertility issues, but the other part is, there's a 50/50 chance with every pregnancy that the chromosome defect Mike carries could be passed on. We could increase those odds to about 80/20 if we do in vitro fertilization with PGD, preimplantation genetic diagnosis, but that costs about $20,000 that we don't and probably will never have. So, until we can afford that or we win a scholarship from INCIID that pays for the IVF, we are going to continue trying the old-fashioned way.

I have to talk about INCIID because they are a great way for couples like us, or who have other fertility issues, to get IVF paid for. INCIID is an organization that does an unlimited amount of IVF scholarships each year for qualifying, accepted couples. So, basically, you have to go fill out an application, pouring out your heart and explaining your fertility issues, AND if you are accepted, you have to further qualify with a participating fertility specialist who would perform the IVF. Then, you have to raise $3000 in donations to INCIID before they will give you the scholarship. If the IVF round is not successful, then you can reapply. Because we'd need the PGD to go with the IVF we'd have to come up with $3000-$5000 on top of the donations to pay for it.

This organization helping us is really our ultimate goal because we know from our story alone we would qualify, we have a lot of family and friends that would help us raise donations, and my parents agreed to take out loans from their 401k to pay for the PGD if we need it.

So along with even more research during this break, I'm focusing on getting my insulin resistance under control so I can lose some of the 100lbs it helped put on me since I got pregnant with our daughter. If I can lose this weight, and the vitamin d3 and progesterone cream work, then hopefully we'll get pregnant again this year either naturally or possibly be able to qualify for the scholarship.

Alternative Methods

At the end of my last post I talked about finding alternative methods to controlling my fertility issues but I want to talk about them more freely on here.

There are several non-prescription alternatives that are much safer and much better for you than what the doctors prescribe. I found that much out during my research. I want to start out by saying this: if your doctor ever gives you provera, run in the other direction without the prescription. Provera is known to cause cancer in patients that use it because it is a superprogestin. It creates progestin (a synthetic version of progesterone) levels more than 900 times higher than what a woman has when she's in peak pregnancy. The reason it causes such adverse side effects (and mimics pregnancy symptoms) is because the dosage is so high. I had such horrible back pain from the provera that I'd rather have the symptoms I had before than deal with it. It's better to use alternative methods to increase fertility or fix fertility issues once you know what you are dealing with.

Alternative methods for fertility:

1. Dr. John Lee's Fertility Shutdown: I came across Dr. John Lee's fertility shutdown in my research and it is inspiring to know that a real MD dedicated his life to alternative fertility methods. The fertility shutdown requires eliminating everything but organic fruits and veggies from your diet for 2-3 months. During that time, you are applying USP Progesterone cream for 21 days starting the day after your menstrual period ends. You can apply as little as 1/4 tsp per day, but if you are obese you could need as much as 1 1/4 to 1 1/2 tsp per day. If you follow Dr. Lee's method for that time, then continue to use the progesterone cream from the day of ovulation for 14 days, it has in laboratory tests resulted in ovulation and regular cycles the majority of the time.
2. USP Progesterone Cream: This is more of an addition to Dr. Lee's fertility shutdown than a separate method. USP Progesterone Cream is one of the best ways to get the progesterone necessary if you are deficient. Women who do not ovulate or have very irregular cycles usually are progesterone deficient. The cream needs to say USP in the ingredient list and there needs to be at least 800mg of USP progesterone per ounce but 1000mg per ounce is better.I began using 1tsp of USP Progesterone Cream daily in February 2011 and it has worked. I haven't used provera to start my cycles in over a year, and I don't have the bad side effects. Plus, progesterone is better absorbed by the body through the skin than when digested because the dosage is diminished by stomach acid. Use as much as you want, but remember your symptoms will be exaggerated for the first couple of weeks because your body will fight the added progesterone until the progesterone takes effect. After your body stops fighting the effects of the progesterone, all of those symptoms associated with PMS usually disappear. So, if you experience PMS symptoms on the progesterone cream, increase your dosage rather than stop using it. Use it either 14 days after your period starts or starting the day after you detect ovulation by basal body temp (BBT) or ovulation tests, and continue using for 14 days. It is safe to continue using during pregnancy, so if you are pregnant after those 14 days go ahead and continue using it, but if not, stop and a natural cycle should start.
3. Vitamin D3: Most women who suffer from PCOS, insulin resistance, estrogen dominance, or are obese are deficient in Vitamin D3. In order for the body to get enough vitamin D, you need at least 20 minutes of sun exposure (without sunscreen) per day. Most of us who suffer from these issues don't get that. You should get a test to verify your vitamin D levels first, but if you suffer from milk allergies or intolerance, don't get enough sun, have bone or muscle pain, or are overweight and can't lose the weight no matter how hard you try, then it's a pretty good sign you're deficient. Vitamin D is actually a hormone in the body that regulates bone health, reproductive hormones, and many other body systems. The maximum safe daily dosage is 10,000 IU, but a doctor can prescribe a larger dose if they feel it is necessary. I just began vitamin D3 therapy two days ago and already can tell a difference in the way I feel and the way my body is behaving. In a British study on the effects of high dosages of vitamin D3, they noted that the menstrual cycle regulated and ovulation often occurred within TWO months when taken with calcium and magnesium.
4. Baby or Low Dose Aspirin: According to Dr. Mehmet Oz, one of the major causes of obesity-related problems is inflammation. By taking 2 low dose or baby aspirin per day, you can fight that inflammation. Most people aren't aware they have internal inflammation, but it is caused by the body not easily accepting foods we eat, chemicals we are exposed to, and other environmental factors. By cutting down on the internal inflammation, you can actually digest foods easier and help your body return to a more natural state. If you are on blood thinners or have blood clotting issues, you MUST talk to your doctor before starting low dose/baby aspirin therapy.
5. Chasteberry/Vitex: This is a touch and go method, or at least I think so. Many women swear by it, and it has been known to work. The problem is, if you have normal cycles and take this herb, it could mess up your cycles for a long time. If you have abnormal cycles, it can take 6 months or more to work. In my experience, I took it for months and noticed no change at all in my cycles. I'm not saying it doesn't work because anything is worth a shot, but it didn't work for me.
6. Buckwheat Farinetta: This is a source of a chemical called d-chiro inositol that is supposed to be a natural form of clomid. You can buy d-chiro inositol caplets from a reliable supplier, and hopefully it will work but they are prohibitively expensive. You can buy farinetta online and a month's supply costs roughly half of what the capsules do, but you have to eat it every day. It's like a very dense alternative flour, so be sure to find some good recipes to use with it. I bought it and after about three weeks couldn't stomach one more day of it, no matter the benefits, though it has a lot of good nutrients in it.
7. Maca Powder: Ground maca root powder is supposed to be great for fertility and libido. It is suggested that when the conquistadors discovered Central and South America, they and their women suffered from infertility and they wondered why the natives were so fecund. It turns out they were using Maca root daily and as an aphrodisiac. There were very few of the natives that were infertile. I have also tried this, it has an almost nutty taste to it, and goes perfectly with hot chocolate or coffee. I didn't really notice any changes with it, but I think if I used it with progesterone cream and vitamin d3, it would have been more effective.

These are the few methods I've tried, but there's something else I'm going to suggest that goes along with taking the baby aspirin/low dose aspirin. It is to buy organic foods. Non-organic foods are so high in chemicals, pesticides, and additives that they can cause inflammation even if they are healthy for you. Organic foods are strictly enforced by the FDA and once you have detoxed from those added chemicals you can really tell a difference.

Also try to remember not to use any plastics with PBAs because they create xenoestrogens that increase insulin resistance. I prefer glass or uncoated paper products to plastic for that reason. Other food items you need to make sure you buy without added hormones are dairy and meat products. Cows, pigs, and even poultry are given hormones to create more bulk, which means more meat per animal. In dairy cows, added hormones create more milk per cow. These added hormones have been shown to increase estrogen levels in women drastically, and have even caused young girls to begin their menstrual cycles as early as 9 or 10 years of age. It has also lead to a rise in gynocomastia (man boobs) in boys because the hormones are what is responsible for breast tissue creation in girls.

Keep all of these alternative methods in mind and try them if you are experiencing fertility issues, but remember, it's still best to know be diagnosed with these issues by a doctor before you attempt to self-medicate.

Introducing: ME

My name is Randi. I'm currently a stay-at-home wife, who is attempting to make a living online through various means, but I'm also hoping to begin working as an elderly care companion soon. I'm also a slightly neurotic willing-to-try anything woman on a mission to conceive a healthy baby.

I'll give a little bit of background: I graduated from college in 2003 and in 2004 on a whim, moved to Las Vegas with my sister and brother-in-law. I met my husband, Mike, there while working at a casino. We knew we were meant to be together as soon as we started dating. He moved in with us pretty much after the first date, and a month and a week shy of our first anniversary we were married.

We didn't immediately start trying to have a baby because we'd both lost our jobs when the casino we worked at went out of business, but I had a job and insurance within 4 months, so we started trying at the end of March 2006. We found out that I was pregnant on July 28, 2006. We were both so excited, we told everyone the good news and started planning a future with our baby.

Sadly, at our 20 week ultrasound on November 15, 2006 the tech discovered fluid around the heart and stomach of our baby. We were rushed into an emergency appointment with a perinatologist and pediatric cardiologist the next day. They told us there was no chance our baby would survive and that she had the worst heart defect they'd ever seen. We lived in Las Vegas, which means these doctors saw a lot of babies with heart defects and for it to be the worst they'd ever seen was really devastating. She also had an enlarged stomach, acytes (not sure on spelling but excess fluid) in her stomach and chest cavity, had stopped developing at 16 weeks, a cleft palate, and a few other developmental defects. We were given the option of ending the pregnancy then but our little girl was still alive and we wanted to give her every opportunity we could.

So, we waited and prayed for a Christmas miracle. We had people all over the country and in two other countries praying for our dying baby. We really believed that if we prayed hard enough that God would give us that miracle. I woke up one night a couple weeks later, and a week before our next appointment that fell on our first anniversary, crying because I'd dreamed that our baby had died. I refused to accept that because I kept feeling her move. We also got the results of our genetics testing in during that time and found out that our baby had inherited a very rare chromosome defect from my husband. It's so rare there are only 3 people known to have it on earth, and my husband and daughter were 2 of them. The chromosome affected is responsible for skin and organ development, which explained why she had so many developmental issues.

Mike had just started a new job and had orientation the day of our next appointment, so my sister went with me. They began with an ultrasound. I was talking with my sister and asked the tech if our girl was behaving for her. I hadn't noticed that one of the techs had left to get our doctor. The doctor had been across town at his other office, but he rushed over to tell me that our baby girl had passed. I'd made Mike promise that he would leave his cell phone on in case of an emergency at the appointment, but I knew I couldn't call and tell him our daughter had died, so I waited until I went to pick him up from work.

My parents were coming in town to visit the next day, and the hardest part was that was supposed to be a day of celebration for us but instead we were in the beginning of mourning our baby. My husband couldn't take off work until the day before the funeral, so we waited until December 15th to be induced because it was the beginning of his weekend. We wanted to be able to see our baby.

We buried her on December 20th and two days later the rest of my family was celebrating the birth of my oldest nephew. I couldn't stand to hear him cry, see pictures or video or anything of him. It was just devastating for us because everyone else was so happy and most nights I cried myself to sleep because we'd never get to have that with our baby.

A few months later I began having issues with my cycles. At first I thought the 16 day long bleed (sorry if TMI) was my body trying to readjust itself to not being pregnant, but it continued for even longer in my second post partem cycle. I went to my perinatologist because I didn't know what to do and I'd seen him for my follow up, he sent me to an ob/gyn down the hall from his office. That man insisted that I had diabetes and a host of other obesity related illnesses causing my problems. He ran all sorts of tests to prove to me that he was right and I didn't know what I was talking about. All of his tests came back that I was probably the healthiest "obese" person he'd ever met.

After he told me to wait another cycle and if it didn't correct itself by then, I decided I wasn't going back to him. The bleeds got longer and didn't correct themselves. Mike and I had decided that we were going to start trying for another baby immediately after we were given the go ahead, so despite my cycle issues we started trying again. We found out I was pregnant again in November 2007. There was fear that the same thing would happen again, a lot of stress because of some family issues, and for me stress at work because I didn't want to tell them I was pregnant again as I'd lost a promotion during my first pregnancy because I was pregnant.

We found out after I'd started spotting at 10 weeks that we'd had a missed miscarriage, on January 7, 2008. Within an hour of leaving the doctors office, I'd passed the baby without any medication to induce it or an operation. That time, though upsetting, wasn't as traumatic as losing our daughter.

The cycle that I got pregnant the second time was the last cycle that I ovulated. I haven't ovulated since because my hormones got out of whack when I was pregnant the first time, then with depression, mourning, and stress from everything, it just made it worse. I didn't go back to get it fixed and just hoped that it would fix itself. I waited 2 1/2 years until I realized it just wasn't going to fix itself.

I'd told my general practitioner about my issues but they didn't specialize in gynecology so they didn't do anything. I finally got a referral from a medical assistant for a reproductive endocrinologist in July 2010. My first appointment with the doctor confirmed everything that I'd discovered in my online research. I'm a researcher by nature and through the process of elimination, and one phrase from that ob/gyn after my first pregnancy, I was better prepared.

The RE put me on provera to stop the bleeding immediately, then clomid to induce ovulation. He told me the reason I was having menometrogghia, the long cycles and long bleeds, was because I wasn't ovulating and more than likely I was insulin resistant. I loved the RE because he seemed to know what I was going through and did exactly what I had expected him to do. He didn't even harp on my weight but suggested that I needed to lose some weight. I told him I'd had issues with that because no matter how much I watched what I ate and exercised daily, I wasn't losing weight. He said that was normal with my issue.

The next appointment, I go in and he does a complete about face. He tells me that I really don't want to have a baby because I had gained some weight instead of losing weight. I felt like a naughty schoolgirl in the principal's office. I was actually crying in his office during the appointment because of the way he was talking to me. I felt like, he hadn't listened to me at all. He even yelled at me for not tracking my basal body temperature for him. He told me that I had tracked my cycles and the length of the bleeds for 3 years, so why hadn't I been doing something like tracking my BBTs. He hadn't told me to, and I figured with the progesterone tests he was doing on day 24 of my cycle, he'd be able to tell without them.

I stopped going to him after that and began looking for alternative methods of fixing my issues now that I knew what they were. That was a year ago.