Being Bitter and Insensitive

For a very long time after losing our babies, I felt bitter about how other people talked about us having babies and how easy it seemed for everyone else around us to get pregnant.

I'm glad that maybe, at last, I've become less bitter about everyone else having a baby but us. It's hard to believe it's taken 5 years to let that bitterness go. I honestly didn't realize I was bitter about it until we moved back to this area, but I realized it keeps me separate from my family because I treat them the same as they treat me. None of us know how to deal with the tragedy in my and Mike's life, and rather than seem insensitive it's a topic that is avoided.

It hurts me that it is avoided, so I avoid talking to them about it because like in all families sooner or later the question "So when are you going to have another baby?" arises. I only wish they understood. It's especially rampant when all of my cousins seem to be having babies. But this also brings me around to how insensitive people can be around parents who have lost about this topic.

I have a cousin who had a baby at a young age, 10 years ago, and ever since has had many ectopic pregnancies which resulted in the loss of one tube and ovary. Two years ago, somehow she and her fiance managed to get pregnant despite the fact that her doctors told her it was next to impossible without IVF. They now have a healthy toddler together. A few months ago my cousin discovered she was pregnant again, but it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. As a result of that ectopic pregnancy, she lost her other tube and ovary, and was told she should have a hysterectomy.

It makes me sad that she's been through so much with her fertility, but after the issues Mike and I have had, I also am happy she has both of her children, it would have been much harder if she'd gone through all of that with no children to show for the struggle. Well, she immediately decided before she's going to have her surgery that she wants to do fertility treatments so they can proceed with IVF in the future in case they want more children. I don't know if I would put off the surgery for a procedure that isn't guaranteed to work and is very expensive.

This doesn't bother me, but the way I see it is maybe this is God's way of telling her that two were her limit. Well, my dad's aunt took this news very hard and considers it a tragedy. I mean, she goes on and on about how terrible it is that my cousin can't have any more children. Honestly, I find that attitude insulting and more than a little bit insensitive.

Not being able to have more children after you have two healthy children is not a tragedy. A tragedy is the losses my cousin has experienced. And, honestly, after so many ectopic pregnancies, I wouldn't be thrilled about possibly getting pregnant again.

If anything, people need to learn a little tact when it comes to this topic. And, if they don't know how to say something without sounding insensitive or tactless, then they shouldn't say anything at all.