A lot of women who haven't had trouble with infertility won't understand this feeling I've had lately, though a lot of women who have waited till later in life to have children will completely understand. It's hard to watch the people around you have babies when you want one of your own, it's especially hard if you have fertility issues like I and millions of other women have.
It's like every woman around you is having kids and every pregnancy announcement is a slap in the face. You dread even checking your facebook wall because you don't want to know who else is pregnant now. It was a slap in the face to me that, of all people, Kim Kardashian got pregnant before me. No, I don't know her personally but I don't agree with having a child with one man while married to another, no matter if they are in the midst of a divorce.
Recently, I attended a baby shower for my cousin's wife. I don't know her well and don't see them much except for at the occasional family function. I don't begrudge them a baby because they've had a loss just like I have. Those are actually the babies that I am happy to see are coming. Then I noticed something that really has my biological clock revving up to overdrive.
My 24 year-old cousin, T, just got married in December. It was a beautiful wedding but some of the circumstances had us questioning whether it was a "shotgun wedding" because it seemed rather rushed. We wondered if maybe because of their religious beliefs, T and her hubby weren't saying anything because they didn't want people to think they were having sex out of wedlock. Turns out she's not prego but at the baby shower she made it a point to say they were going to wait until summer 2014 before they start TTC.
Now, to a woman that has kids, that statement wouldn't bother them. After all, most newlyweds are constantly fielding the question as to when they are going to have kids. But to me, who has baby fever after a forced 4 month break from TTC because of my thyroid, that is like flashing a sign in front of my face that says: "Warning...Your Cousin Who Is 8 Years Younger Than YOU Could Have a Baby Before YOU!!!"
So, I try to ignore that sign and continue on at the shower as if nothing is happening. After all, most of that side of my family doesn't even believe DH and I should have kids after what happened with our angels and because of DH's chromosome defect. I don't even discuss it with them because at this point, after almost 7 years of TTC from start (before getting pg with DD) to now, I don't believe it's any of their business since they have that attitude about us having kids. I know they think that because they don't want to see us go through anymore losses, but it hurts my feelings because we want kids and they don't want that for us.
We get to the game portion of the shower and we play this game where you match candy bar names to pregnancy & birthing terms. After it was over, the sister of the mommy-to-be offered blank copies of the game to anyone who wanted it for future use. Well, my aunt, T's mom, jumps up and gets one. You have to know my aunt to see what I was seeing. She's not a planner by any means and she doesn't really host a lot of parties. This made me begin to wonder if maybe T and her hubby are TTC but not telling anyone but their parents.
So, now I'm on a mission to have a baby before T and her hubby. We start TTC again this cycle. Keeping our fingers crossed that we have one by the end of the year.
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